Poligono H take a Britanico bachattering

FCB Britanicos were hoping to keep up recent momentum as they traveled deep into the barrio for a game under the lights against Polilingo San Blas B on Sunday. They were greeted upon arrival by the strong scent of Lady Mary J and heavy bachata music and they suddenly knew they weren’t in Kansas La Elipa anymore. Those with prior experience of the location warned the others of what to expect, and it didn’t take them long to learn what they’d be in store for. The pitch itself was comically small, with there being a distance of about 2 lying down EQs between the touchline and the edge of the goalkeeper’s 6 yard box. Immediately the boys licked their lips at the thought of the danger that a direct throw from the likes of Will and Ish (lol, jk) could cause the opposition. The boys piled into the state of the art changing rooms to relax in comfort and space as they waited for the pre-match brief… only joking, the conditions were shite there too of course. With coach Simon missing from the game due to a nice skiing break (surely there’s a fine to be had there!?) the responsibility fell on our sage and learned leader Rami to provide the line-up and pre-match instructions. The boys have made a fantastic start to 2024, so the directive was to keep it much the same as it had been in recent weeks and to continue to put into practice what was being worked on in training. 

The team lined up with Blake in goals, behind a back 5 of Ed, Josh, Rafa, Sutty and Tory Will. In front of the defensive line was the same midfield that had been working together so efficiently in recent weeks, with Mats, Yarron & Calum all taking up their regular places. Harry and Padraig also retained their spots as the men up top. The game began with FCB playing some absolutely sumptuous football, passing it around 1&2 touch and finding some really nice combinations all over the pitch. Their dominance quickly paid off too as cb Josh gave the lads the lead after just 4 minutes, delicately guiding the ball home from a corner for a delightful first time finish. The goal was correctly awarded to Josh too despite the best efforts of debutant Rafa trying to pinch it for himself. More on goals being pinched later….

Momentum is a funny old thing in football, and due to a series of defensive mix-ups this game quickly swung in favour of the opposition. From 1-0 up to 2-1 down, the Britanico boys on the sideline were left scratching their heads on how exactly they had lost control of a game that was so comfortable for them at the beginning. The lads on the field didn’t let their heads drop however and brought themselves level just before halftime, with their pre-match premonitions coming to fruition. A long and searching throw from Will was finished off smartly first time by frontman H, whose deftness for the finish was all the more impressive given the fact that he had spent the majority of the half tackling his teammates. The boys went in level at half time and knew that if they got back to playing the football they were at the beginning of the game, then there would only be one winner. The only other real talking point of the first half was the antics of the opposition manager, who in comparison made our own gaffer seem a figure of calmness and composure. 

The Britanico boys came out for the 2nd half determined to right their wrongs and retake control of the fixture, and they did so in emphatic fashion. First up was Sutty, rifling home an absolute worldie of a finish from all of about 6cm out. It came from another set piece, which was proving to be a fruitful avenue to goal for the boys. The corner was whipped in by Padraig and Sutty was on hand to crash it over the line. There are murmurs that the ball was on its way in any way and that the goal was stolen from Padraig, but the results of those accusations are so far inconclusive. From here on the boys were in cruise control and scored another 4 cracking goals to run away with it. The next goal came from H, spinning and finishing really well on the edge of the box after some beautiful build up play between Padraig and Will. H ensured that there’d be no goal-pinching this time as he ran straight to the referee and watched as his name and number was taken down in the book. Padraig was next to get in on the act, with the goal that was surely the pick of the bunch. Again it was a set-piece, a free-kick from about 25 yards out laid off to Padraig who unleashed a beauty of strike that left the goalkeeper hopeless. The ball rose so high at first that it prompted Matthieu on the side to exclaim “what the fuck was that!?” before dropping down beautifully to nestle in the top corner. 5-2 and Matthieu left to eat his words, a truly beautiful moment. As if the game wasn’t dramatic enough at this point, there was a quick flurry of 3 red cards to really turn things up a notch. Firstly the opposition striker was given a 2nd yellow card for dissent, before handbags broke out on the sideline involving Dorus, Rami, Paco and the opposition striker and coach. Hands were raised and both coaches were given their marching orders. And while this was Rami’s 2nd red card of the season, he can feel a little hard done by this time round as by some miracle he remained calm and quiet throughout the whole debacle. Again, reports of Dorus causing the whole thing by filming the opposition manager without consent are so far inconclusive (he definitely did though, I was sat next to him.). The boys on the pitch did not let the distractions on the side creep onto the field and finished the game off with a very professional performance. Mats (yes, Mats! We couldn’t believe it either!) was next up on the scoresheet with another glorious finish, driving it home into the top corner to give the boys a 6-2 lead. Padraig then popped up with his 2nd of the game, drilling low into the corner after keeping the ball well on the edge of the box. It was later learned however that the goal thievery had continued and that Pad’s goal was officially awarded to Mats. The Belgian claims to “have no idea how that happened” but we all know he’s talking bollocks.   By this stage in the game multiple substitutions had been made, the most noticeable an enforced change at keeper with the boys unfortunately losing Blake for the rest of the season with a suspected torn calf. Replacing Blake was the man of many talents, big Sutty. Fresh from stealing Padraig’s goal, the Oldham Top Boy donned the gloves for what was remaining of the game and capped what was a commanding and effective performance up top and in defence with a clean sheet. The boys had opportunities to score more too, Padraig being denied a hatrick by the offside flag and Paco firing just over after good work from Padraig, Calum and Karlos down the right flank. 

There were to be no more goals though and the boys went back to the disabled toilet/changing room at the sound of the final whistle.A fully deserved 7-2 win in the end and the post-match brief spent enjoying massive, freezing beers and delicious tapas. A good day out. 

Attention now turns to next weekend against the Venezuelans in what will surely be a much more difficult game. Up the undefeated in 2024 Britanicos! 

Man of the Match: Padraig Slade
Goal of the Match: Padraig Slane
Dick of the Day: Blake Belch